Do You Really See Me?: You Weren't Meant to Be Human by Andrew Joseph White

 Before I begin, I highly recommend you check out the author's content warning site for the novel. 

Crane is transgender, autistic, and mute. He also worships and cares for a hive of worms that demands bodies and unwavering loyalty, no matter the circumstances. The hive collects lost souls, giving them a chance to be part of something bigger. Crane lives with his not-really-a-boyfriend Levi, who is abusive and the enforcer for their hive. Crane finds out that he is pregnant and realizes that Levi and the hives across West Virginia and beyond await the birth of the baby with an almost hungry intensity.  

Welcome to You Weren't Meant to Be Human by Andrew Joseph White.

No. No, don't eat these worms.

Before I get started, I highly advise you to read the content warnings I linked above. I won’t warn you again - this book is not for the faint of heart.

Crane (our narrator) is not a lovable character, per se. He is flawed, desperate, and grasping for something he isn’t sure he understands. He can be ill-tempered, pushy, and just as capable of cruelty as Levi when it comes to feeding and protecting his hive. He does it out of loyalty - the hive allows him to be who he is, not who he used to be. Even his reactions to Levi boil down to a need to be seen as who he is now. What he doesn’t want is any reminder of who he used to be: the perfect Sophie. He speaks of Sophie in the third person - not as someone he once was, but as someone entirely separate from who he is now.

When he finds himself pregnant and appeals to the hive for help, he comes to a darker realization: his self exists only to serve the will of the hive. It’s a realization that sends him spiraling, especially as he discovers that Levi will not help him either - and, in fact, likely never truly cared for him beyond his usefulness.

This book is visceral and GRAPHIC. White pulls no punches with the body horror, and as the story continues, each page escalates the horror further. Self-harm, suicidal ideation, dissociation, and the final brutal scenes make parts of this novel deeply difficult to get through. But I would argue that every sentence is carefully crafted to reflect something deeper about ourselves and the world around us.

At its core, the book explores the idea that true allyship - in all its forms - does not come with conditions. It does not depend on what your body looks like or what it is capable of. Allyship is the ability to step aside and let someone exist as they are, without demands, without forcing them to meet a specific metric.

This book is haunting my nightmares. It will not be gentle with you, and it will not ask for your consent. Do not go into it unprepared.

Remember, when the mirror cannot show you the truth, and the worms crawl through your skin, I will be here with another recommendation, should you need it.